Tuesday, February 14, 2012

First, let me say this: I love my life. I really do. I love all of it, the good, the awe-inspiring, the horrible and the gruesome. Every moment has served to shape me into who I am today. And, if I'm lucky, the rest of my life from the sublime to the wretched will continue to define and refine who I am. This is a beautiful process.

But there are days, weeks, even months or years where I don't remember this. The last couple of weeks have been some of those forgetful weeks. I gave birth to my son March 10, 2011, and, as every new mother or involved parent knows, I haven't slept decently since. In fact, I haven't slept more than a three hour stretch at a time since midway through my pregnancy. That makes 16 months easy, that I haven't had a good night's sleep. Then, as if that isn't enough stress, I have also been in the process of completing my Associates degree (some would say I'm an academic late bloomer, I would say any earlier and I would've blown it), and headed towards my BA (and someday my Ph.D!). I haven't taken one semester off all through my pregnancy, giving birth, and raising a tiny infant into a healthy, curious 11 month old. And on top of that, I've made only 3 B's that whole time! I'm a damn hard worker. Of course there are aspects of my life that have suffered; I'm not a machine.

Well, my poor brain has decided to revolt. And my emotions. I've come unhinged internally and have spent the last three weeks attempting to keep myself from being completely destroyed by extreme alienation, violent depression, and uncontrollable anger. It has been terrible for not only me, but my partner as well. Luckily I've been able to shield my son from the majority of it, and this morning it doesn't seem so threatening, but I know that the only way to keep from imploding is to find some solutions, and quickly!

The biggest component of the larger solution is sleep. Blissful, drool-laden, uninterrupted SLEEP. This means night-weaning. And if night weaning doesn't help, it means, sadly, going from a family bed to my son sleeping in a crib in our room. I don't want to take him out of the bed, but an unstable Mommy isn't an involved, caring, supportive Mommy. So as of this Wednesday night, I will be sleeping on the couch, and baby will be lovingly comforted back to sleep during normal nursing times by Daddy. Wish us luck!


1 comment:

  1. Here is to a Wednesday night of pleasant dreams and drooling!